The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
You Might Also Like
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.