A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
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Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
i choose….tongue
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire