Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.