I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My dad is at it again
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.