My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes