Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72