It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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#parenting
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Omg 🤣
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.