ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Tough love is true love
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”