Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos