[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
scares
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped