Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
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“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason