me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
is there nothing we can trust anymore
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?