[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.