“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*