COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)