Jail
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Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?