Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
The days of good grammer has went
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If snakes were wide
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”