Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
doing your own taxes
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.