my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
what does he know…
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
my retirement plan is braless
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.