If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
this is uni
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?