Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”