I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!