I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Liquor Store Parking
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography