[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Goat cheese is for herders.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
There is no “ea” in Tim.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention