date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Lmao
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Not today