Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
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I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Go hard or stay average
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
this chia pet tastes awful
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.