Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
The Assassin.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed