When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.