Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”