Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.