Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.