“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
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*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.