You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.