You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Here’s a meme
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.