Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
you will never know the true number of layers
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.