(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.