Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
You Might Also Like
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.