To clean up or just move. This is the question.
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume