A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours