Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.