My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
You Might Also Like
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
found my next D&D character name
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?