When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
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A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Body by sandwich.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day