If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.