A flock of dads is called a grill.
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Saturday
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Waiting for the Charmin
I’ve had worse
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.