Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo