Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
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an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this