ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.