There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again