What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
True freaking story!
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.