“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder